I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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