I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So squirting runs in the family.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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