Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
