she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
