I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
