Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
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