Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize