oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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