it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
