we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
