remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
