i permit you to call me
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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