I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize