I hate your face
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
