i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
