OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize