Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
