Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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