from now on my penis is your penis
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
