I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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