Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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