The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
this hospital has no fireball
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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