I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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