Your face is a jimmy john
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
