The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
