I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
