it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
