shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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