i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So much Jack, so little girl.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
