Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
