You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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