this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
