We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
