Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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