Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
