Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
