He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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