I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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