Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
