Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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