im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
