Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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