i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
