1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
