I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
