so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
