ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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