I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize