So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
