Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
