i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
