I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
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