my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
