My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
