So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
