Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
