i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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