Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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