This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
