Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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