Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
