I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
