Four minutes until I can fart!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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